Joke to brighten up your Friday!

[Grouch]

Two old men were sitting in a steam room discussing their wives birthdays.

The first old man says, "I'm going to buy her a diamond necklace and a Jaguar. If she doesn't like the necklace I'll give her the Jaguar."

The second man says, "That's a good idea. I'll buy my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself."

[Dees]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"

- Chris Rock

[Dees]

>This has to be one of the best lines of all times.
>
>Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day by
>a female interviewer concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you
>feel about gun control this is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
>
>It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between the
>female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald as he was preparing
>to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
>
>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
>teach these young boys when they visit your base?
>
>GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
>and shooting.
>
>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
>
>GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
>rifle range.
>
>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
>activity to be teaching children?
>
>GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
>discipline before they even touch a firearm.
>
>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
>
>GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
>one, are you?
>
>The radio went silent and the interview ended.
>
>You gotta love the Marines

[Dees]

Man Falls Asleep At Church...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Dpierce37]

LMAO!!!

A HusbandShopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband.

It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.

There is, however, a catch.

You're only allowed in once.

Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor.

If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door says:

Floor 1:

These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign.

"Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:

Floor 2:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.

"Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:

Floor 4:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think... what must be awaiting me further up?"

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that door says:

Floor 5:

This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping.

Have a nice day!

[Mister C]

So true, so true.

The one about being equipped to be a prostitute, that was hilarious.

[pooser]

the on about the prostitute was my favorite too. the last one is good too.

[Chales]

Think if that shopping one were the other way around. I'd be done after seeing the first sign.

[Chales]

That is if I were shopping for women. I know how you all think.

[Snow Skate Wake]

Smile if you're gay?