Concerns for a Friend

Swass · Guest

It sure doesn't involve their favorite toys, TV, etc. When my son gets a timeout, he has to sit on the top of a wooden step stool, in the corner, facing the wall.

To me, there's no such thing as "proper spanking." Spanking is hitting. Hitting is violence. Violence is not OK.

Ideally, I'm trying to establish a relationship with my son such that he doesn't want to disappoint me. I'd prefer that to be his motivation for conducting himself properly, rather than using fear as a motivator.

I did not respect my Father for hitting me. I loathed him for it.

jason_ssr · Posted: Apr 30, 2003 10:34 am Post subject:

I see the point very well, and the stool idea is great! That seems like it would be much more effective than what Ive seen. Does it work well? The only issue I see you might run across in the future is when he is spending more time with peers than he does with you, and he begins to value them as well. Then it will be the choice to disappoint you or them. You, the person who loves him unconditionally who could forgive him for anything, or his friends who control social status and exceptence in what to him is a very big world (you remember school...). But hey, I was spanked and I still disobeyed because of peer pressure, but I had to think long and hard about it being worth a whoopin' and many times it wasnt(thank God...) It is cool to see a different method be successful, kudos to you.

Swass, I have the "Norman Rockwell-esque" picture in my head of a kid on a stool facing the corner sulking... too cute!! HAHA!

Nor*Cal · Ladies Man Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9479 City: Sac

Swass- I have a relationship with my Dad that is great. He's seriously the first person I approach with problems. There's the father son aspects but we've become closer after I graduated HS. It's been a great help to me throughout my college years. It also helps that he still tries to play with my friends and I, takes us out to the bars and is on the boat as often as his schedule allows. As long as there is a level of friendship along with authority things are good.

riverfreak · Posted: Apr 30, 2003 10:39 am Post subject:

Ideally thats what every parent wants, but realistically most kids don't sit around and dwell on their parents feelings.....if they did they would all behave properly in resturants, sure some kids are parent pleasers, but mine isn't.....the decisions are made based on "am I going to get in trouble for this" The "this really makes me sad" just didn't cut it, for some kids it is enough - lets see if the valid sensor approves this one Laughing

Swass · Guest

I'm biased, obviously, but my son is a really sweet kid. You should see the look on his face when I tell him I can't play with him when he gets in trouble. "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Remember that one? I have a really hard time telling him I can't play.

My wife is pregnant with our second child (another boy). He may turn out to be the devil incarnate. We'll see. I hope my methods work on him, too, because I just can't bring myself to spank. I just can not do it.

I know this is WAY OFF TOPIC (sorry Nor*Cal), but I'm worried about playing favorites. I don't know if it's normal or not, but that was the first thing that came to mind when my wife told me she was pregnant (well, that, and "When the hell did we have sex?!?!").

Nor*Cal · Ladies Man Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9479 City: Sac

I think my topics dead... I talked to someone who was in this situation before and they gave me some advice.

jason_ssr · Posted: Apr 30, 2003 11:30 am Post subject:

Very interesting thought. I think the immediate thought is to try to be fair. This is true to a certain extent, but each child is different and will be dealt with differently especially as you change and times change. (coming from a house of 3 boys, I know all about fair) Do what is right even though it may not always be fair and may favor one or the other. lets face it, your going to make mistakes with your first son that you wont repeat with your second. Is that unfair or does it show favor? In my opinion it does not. My folks were overly strict with me (oldest=guinea pig) and to me it seemed unfair compare to how my brothers were treated. Your second son may reap the benifits of an older, wiser dad, but thats just part of life. Then again the oldest gets away with alot more, and sharpens your parental senses so that the youngest cant get away with anything!! However, I dont think you have to worry about favorites. i think the joy and love will be so equal that you wont refer to them as kid 1 and kid 2, but rather your "kids".

Dragonlady8 · Guest

Couldn't mental abuse be just as harmful as physical abuse? Confused

Swass · Guest

Well, of course, but...are you addressing anyone in particular?

riverfreak · Posted: Apr 30, 2003 12:10 pm Post subject:

Swass, you have been the only anti-spank poster, so it must be you!!! Crying or Very sad

I'll take the belt over the corner thing anyday

Swass · Guest

I told you it was lonely over here.

Dragonlady8 · Guest

Not addressing anyone in particular, Swass. I'm sure you're an excellent parent who has learned how not to raise a child by your upbringing.
It's an issue that only has been brought to light in the past 10yrs, and has been the latest defense for battered women/spouses/child abuse. I think about it alot especially when issues of low self-esteem come into play.
Sure you can look to other avenues to avoid the low self-esteem and some may consider it a cop-out excuse.
But can it at some point in a person's life that they become fixated in not wanting to disappoint that they start to blame themselves for things going wrong/being their fault? -> "It was my fault, I deserved it" ( battered wife/spouse syndrome)..... Question

Swass · Guest

Oh, I'm far from being an excellent parent, I'm afraid.

I didn't mean to paint myself as a battered or abused child. I can only remember being hit on a handful of occasions.

Dragonlady8 · Guest

My apologies Swass~ I didn't mean to imply that you were abused/battered. I should have written: : "not to repeat your upbringing with your child"

My question reverts back to the original topic. This person must be hiding something that is keeping her from reporting ( my understanding) her beating/hospitalization to the police.

Leggester · Posted: Apr 30, 2003 1:22 pm Post subject:

Not necessarily phantom. Could just be psycho.

Norcal, if she goes back for more, she has problems you cannot handle.

Like any addict, they must WANT to be cured, you cannot do it for them. There's plenty of support groups she can get involved with.

Nor*Cal · Ladies Man Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9479 City: Sac

I've realized this isn't really my fight. All I can do is provide friendship and an outlet if needed. Basically let her know it's wrong and if she needs help I'm here. It was kind of a shovanist to think that I could help solve the problem. All I can do is be a friend and let her decide if she wants to confide in me.

Dragonlady8 · Guest

You're just too much of a nice guy there NorCal. Parents should be really proud to have a son like you.
Another one that's too young form me.... Crying or Very sad

Wait.....I'm gonna be 29 tomorrow

for the 10th time Shocked

Nor*Cal · Ladies Man Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9479 City: Sac

Thanks you Phantom... Happy 29th birthday tomorrow.

I'm glad my parents were rational and caring in the way I was brought up. Seemed strict for a few years in HS but I realize it was for the best.