I suck at life. (relationship help)

Vance · Addict Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 994

I feel kind of embarrassed to post on her for relationship help.. But some of you guys and girls can give some really good advice. It kind of sucks because I don't really have anyone I can talk to about crap like this... Anyways heres the story.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year and a half now. Her name is Jessica. She has a problem with commitent.. and when we begin to get too serious.. whether its spending too much time together, trying to make future plans.. she puts all of her honest feeling inside because she's afraid to hurt my feelings, so they get all bottled up and come out at once. FOr example we had plans to get an apartment.. signed the papers.. then she freaks and backs out... We had plans to be enagaged soon, and marriage in two years.. Remember both of these were HER ideas, she even had a date set and reservations at the Gaylord Palms hotel here in Orlando.. and then she freaked and backed out and moved back home.. (she had been living with at my place).

So that latest thing happened about 3 weeks ago. She went on vacation with her family to North Carolina for a week and a half, and I was suppose to go. My best friend advised me to NOT go, that the time apart would be good. So the time goes by and we don't talk for over a week, which is incredibly hard on me because we've never gone longer than a day without talking... So she comes back and things are awesome. Like when we first started dating. Having a blast together, Life was perfect. So last night I went over to her place and was wathcing a movie with her that she had bought.. and we were sitting on the bed together. No snuggling, no cuddleing nothing, like i was watching it with my best friend or something. So I said "Your not very affectionate tonight". She said back "I don't have to be affectionate every night do i?"

That really hurt my feelings, because I love this girl so much, she is the highlight of my day everyday, and I feel i am just another part of her day....

platinumsubstance · Criminal Joined: 22 Feb 2004 Posts: 92 City: Austin

I'm sorry to here about your situation. I actually just got out of something similar to that so i may be able to help.

My ex's dad actually called me while we were dating and told me to 'play hard to get' almost standoffish. If she thinks that she's loosing you the more she'll want you. If you some what "starve her of affection" then she'll want it even more. Eventually you'll find a balance between it and everything should fall into place.

I hope it all works out

McGoose · Outlaw Joined: 25 Jun 2004 Posts: 146 City: R.I.

Ok for starters:
1. How old are you both?
2. You don't suck at life.
3. Your avatar is going to make me vomit.

Vance · Addict Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 994

lakeman,

1. im almost 22, shes almost 20.
2. yea i do. Sad

3. i know it's great.

Dragonlady8 · Black Widow Joined: 27 Aug 2004 Posts: 9198

It's time you stopped wearing your heart on your sleeve and step away from the relationship. Give yourselves a separation.
She's not ready to commit because she doesn't want to commit to YOU.
I believe you're fairly young, you should be living your life instead of tying down.

You shouldn't get married to someone until you're closer to your 30's.

Trust me, I've seen many young people commit too early and live to regret it.

-=LoneStar=- · Addict Joined: 20 Nov 2004 Posts: 751

Vance · Addict Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 994

Thank you. Honestly.

Rocko · Posted: Aug 29, 2005 6:53 pm Post subject:

Vance · Addict Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 994

Rocko,

Just remember WHY you broke up.

Rocko · Posted: Aug 29, 2005 7:00 pm Post subject:

Vance, i used to drink too much. Smile

blairpoelman · Addict Joined: 12 Aug 2004 Posts: 595

Vance, take a break from her. Go date other people, and put some distance between you. One of two things will happen:

A. out of sight, out of mind
B. distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Neither of these options are bad.

If you plan on staying together, remember that communication is the key to making any relationship successful.
________
The Apprentice Forums

Vance · Addict Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 994

blairpoelman,

That's what the Burger King commercail said. Laughing

savage3221 · Posted: Aug 29, 2005 7:45 pm Post subject:

-=LoneStar=-, man, that's extremely well put, and I agree with you greatly on what you said, Star.

Vance, as Blair said, if you two could talk about things? Not talk about what you want to do for your future, but talk about the here and now, and maybe then a future in general, not specifics. Maybe talk about what she sees in you that freaks her out, or what she likes about you or what her doubts about you, or things with you are. I know that would be much harder to start such a conversation than me saying this to you, but maybe? -=LoneStar=-, blairpoelman, Dragonlady8, what do you think of such an idea?

finkle · Wakeboarder.com Freak Joined: 22 Sep 2003 Posts: 4067

-=LoneStar=-, star

special_k · Newbie Joined: 06 Mar 2005 Posts: 35 City: Baltimore, MD

i'd blame that white box of a car...that's definitely the cause of all the problems

Bruky · Guest

HAHAHA holy stuff, that was funny.

blairpoelman · Addict Joined: 12 Aug 2004 Posts: 595

easier said than done
________
Magic flight

ohsix · Posted: Aug 29, 2005 8:36 pm Post subject:

-=LoneStar=-, another star.

Vance, I'm not married (or even close to it), but I've heard what I think is good advice about getting married. Before you ever marry a girl you should spend some time apart (at least a couple of weeks, I would try a month) this helps you look at your situation more clearly. Everytime I do this I break up with the girl because I realize that she's not really what I want. Also, go on like a 2 week vacation together, see if you could stand being together almost every hour for 2 weeks. You might decide you can't stand her and marriage is a lot longer than 2 weeks (in most cases.) Then, when looking to marry a girl ask yourself if you could ever possibly do better. Look at it like it's a car that you're going to have the rest of your life. If you had 1 car for the rest of your life it should be something that will still love in 30 years. Something that you will never look back and say "I wish I would have waited until I could get a better one or something else." You don't ever want to feel like maybe you could have done better.

I've never really thought about marrying any girlfriend I've had, but even when I date girls for a couple of months I start to think about the things I don't like about her and if I could live with that for the rest of my life.

MojoPin · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 12:19 am Post subject:

Vance, I know how you feel... I also know that you shouldn't analyze into it too much. You have already got some good advice from some people above and I'm sure it will be ok. -=LoneStar=-, that's a star right there. Besides...I really shouldn't give you advice on something like this today..
I came home yesterday from a date with a girl that I'm really interested in.. This girl is really everything that I have looked for for so long.. Only problem is that I think I'm more interested in her than she in me Laughing

So right now I wish that she was ugly and evil and not the wonderful girl that she is....would make it so much easier.. But I will keep working..

jason_ssr · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 5:20 am Post subject:

Vance, I remember well the intensity of relationships at your age. I was in love with "the one" and nobody could tell me otherwise. My entire world revolved around her.

I had a great time and loved her dearly, but I couldnt have been more wrong when deciding she was "the one". People change so much between 20 and 30. Getting married is a gamble in itself, making getting married young almost impossible odds.

You are young, and in the prime of your life. Do not let things like this wear at you. She enjoys your company without any pressure; you should do the same. DO NOT move in together. Position yourself to have a good time, and allow her along for the ride. Make that position such that no matter which way things go, you will look back on it as an enjoyable time in your life. Do not complicate it with engagements broken, leases broken and on again/off again uncertainty. Only a fool thinks they are certain at 20-22, so maybe she is the smart one here, and thats a good thing. Very Happy

And, when you take a long look at her, examine her character. Is she the kind of person you would go into business with? Honesty and integrity will really be the only things that matter. All the good traits you like will fade away, and all the bad traits never go away. Unfortunately she is only 20 and hasnt been tested much and hasnt gone through all the changes she will go through.

I didnt get maried til I was 29. I feel sorry for my friends who got married in their early 20's. They struggled financially and spent their glory days in turmoil. Those that made it kept telling me how great mariage was and wonderful having children is. The thing is, its just as good at 30! Now Im married and they were right. however, being single from 20-29 was a freakin' dream as well. Now I have attained the joy they have, yet they will never know the excitement of being single and young. We only get one life, take it all in, man. If after both of you change 1000 times and still end up together in your late 20's then GREAT!!! If you dont, then GREAT, there is only a few billion other opportunities.

Wakebrad · Ladies Man Joined: 11 Dec 2003 Posts: 12257 City: Dallas

-=LoneStar=-, *star*

The only thing I would add is that in a relationship there is a balance of what people see as closeness. For one person they might feel smothered if their partner is telling them he loves her every 10 seconds and is very dependent. For others they need that much re-assurance. When someone gets too close for their comfort they push back to maintain their natural level of emotional distance from their partner. So as you keep getting closer to her she needs more distance between the two of you and will push back when you try to advance. Unless you let her have more space these types of situations will keep happening, and keep getting worse. When you are at this point you need to take LoneStar's advice for 2 reasons. It will help your relationship and more importantly it will help you.

Leggester · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 5:42 am Post subject:

Didn't bother reading all this. You should get out. If you ahve a question like this while you are dating, it ain't worht even thinking about the rest of your life with her.

Also: "My ex's dad actually called me while we were dating and told me to ..."

yeah, there's good advice Mr. Green

89comp · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 6:38 am Post subject:

The DONT MOVE IN WITH HER ADVICE is a good one. Its the quickest way to breakup with someone. But then again, that might be what you're after...

One of the better pieces of advice I got from an old girlfriend who happened to be 7 yrs older than me, (I was 20, she was 27), was that you'll change more from 20-25 than the rest of your life so don't get too tied to things during that time. Now that I'm 26, I'm really starting to appreciate that advice.

Mikey27 · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 7:15 am Post subject:

As everyone else has said, DONT GET MARRIED THAT YOUNG! I was engaged at 20 and married at 21. I have been married for two years now and I am borderline miserable. My whole family told me that I was too young but I didnt listen, I guess I thought that I knew everything and everyone else was just stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed being able to go to bars/clubs as a single man, now I just stay home. My biggest regret in life is not listening to the advice of other more knowlegeable people. I have to live with my mistakes but you still have the option of not going down that road. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

blairpoelman · Addict Joined: 12 Aug 2004 Posts: 595

Mikey27, if you are so unhappy, why don't you split up? Unless there are kids in the picture, divorce usually takes just a couple weeks.
________
Starcraft ii replays

K-dub · Ladies Man Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 14760

a TON of awesome advice here Vance...

but, IMO the most important piece is you are too young to be thinking of marriage. Live your 20's to the fullest. If you don't stay together with her, you'll get over it, as she will. If you are still together in your late 20's, then great...more power to the both of you. But, if I were you I wouldn't even consider settling down until then. You have way too much changing to do on both sides....
At your age, you should be more concerned with having fun with your bros. And occasionally with your girl. You will only regret locking yourself down at this age when you get older.

J-Ro · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 7:43 am Post subject:

I got married young like Mikey. And people said the same things to me. Sometimes it's a drag having responsibility but every so often I get a weekend to myself to go bar hopping and all that. It just makes me realize how lucky I am. Unless you find an amazing person that you connect with on a lot of points, stay single.

If you're questioning it now, you'll question it forever.

oh yeah and

jvanick · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 7:48 am Post subject:

Another statement that I've heard along the way...

'The rest of your life is a really long time" Meaning don't get married to somebody that you don't REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with.

I'm getting married in November (I'll be 30)... the BEST thing I did was spend my 20's single.... I didn't know what I REALLY wanted in a wife until I was 27 or 28. If I would have settled for somebody that I was dating when I was in my early 20's, I'd probably be getting divorced about now.

-J

MojoPin · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 7:52 am Post subject:

jvanick, Congrats!

Vance · Addict Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 994

Thanks for all of the good advice. I know what you guys mean by if I "lock" myself down with that kind of commitment ill be missing out on things. The only thing with that is I'm not worried about the whole club/bar scene. I've never even been to one, just not my style. I spend my weekends with my bros riding. And at nights we just all hang out doing whatever. But I will take all this advice into consideration. Thanks.

jason_ssr · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 9:35 am Post subject:

Its not so much about the bar scene or dating as much as it is having a good stretch of life where you live on your own, make some good coin, and have no responsibilites but yourself. You learn alot in these times, and have experiences that cant be matched in any other scenario. you need to have some years where you can just get up and go without considering anyone or anything else. you need to be able to drop some coin pointlessly without it affecting another. Alot of things to get out of your system before you settle in.

You know you can fly to the Yucatan for $99 round trip? For $300 total, you and the boys can spend a week surfing (or kiteboarding!!) Mexico? You need a time in life where you can drop everything and do it without consequence. You need a time where you dont contemplate how the money could be better spent on your responsibilites, like home and kids. once in Mexico you need to be able act without guilt if a beautiful local girl wants to dance, take a walk on the beach, or steal a kiss.

You know what I got to do to take that trip? I gotta get time off, save up money for 2 to go, make sure my wife can get the same time off, find acceptable accomodations (quality starts to be a serious concern when travelling with the fairer gender), construct an itenerary of mutual interests....blah blah blah...

I think you can see my point.

pyrocasto · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 10:48 am Post subject:

My brother will be married at 22 as well, but they have been dating for 8 years now. They are waiting until she gets out of college this december, so that's good.

I say wait man. Marriage is not something to worry about in the 20's. If you hit 25-30 and still want to get married, go for it. But for now take a chill pill, have some fun, and in a year or two see if you are still dating her or if she feels the same way. Wink

lcap · Ladies Man Joined: 13 Nov 2003 Posts: 10973 City: Homeless

I've seen a lot people who married there H.S., sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't.

People tend to go nuts when they are on their own for the first time. Again when they turn 21 and again if they've had few if any other experiences by the time 30 get's close.

Sow your oats when young. Experience life, enjoy the company of all kinds of women. Then when you find the one, you both will know it and you won't have to circle around to catch up those that passed you by.

Mikey27 · Posted: Aug 30, 2005 11:25 am Post subject:

lcap, you are exactly right!

blairpoelman, yes there is a child involved and thats what keeps me trying to hang on.

Nor*Cal · Ladies Man Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9479 City: Sac

At 20 I thought for sure I had found the "one." Things happen. AGB!

The advice these guys are giving is solid. I'm turning 25 this year and can't imagine being married.