Monkeys

[criminally_minded]

I LIKE MONKEYS
I like monkeys.



The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

[criminally_minded]

This isn't mine by the way, but I do like monkeys. Almost as much as mail order brides.

[Josh R]

I swear to god, that is the funniest thing I have EVER read!!!!!!!!
I was rolling around the floor for 5 minutes. Then I had to call up a friend and tell him about it....

[criminally_minded]

[Josh R]

[TravelJunkie]

CM you got that from me

[criminally_minded]

Did I? Have you posted it before? Sheit I'm sorry I must have missed it.

I got it from www.nakeddwarf.com.au, a Tasmanian local music website.

Please don't punch me in the genitals

[OttoNP]

I think it is funnier each time I read it...monkeys...
________
Honda Nsr500V Specifications

[Grouch]

Thats great

[Grouch]

I am still laughing histerically.

[Aubs]

im lost..

[Grouch]

Aubs,

its OK most cheerleaders are.

[Aubs]

thanks grouch - glad to kno im not alone

[Grouch]

No Problem,

Just keeping it real. J/K

[Aubs]

oh thanks...

do u believe that my boss is making me come into work even tho we already have like 4 inches of snow on the ground? no-one is going to want pizza tonight! this is crazy...

[Grouch]

I want pizza, do you deliver to SoCal where its nice and sunny now.

[Aubs]

i wish that we delivered! lol. i'd be catching a plane right now if i could... lol.
whats your fav. kinda pizza?...

[TravelJunkie]

i posted that before the site went down. I send it to all my friends about once a year. i LOVE that....I like monkeys.

[Rocko]

CM and DP, that is some good stuff. LMFAO.

[salmon_tacos]

Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.

The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

"It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet been heard by human ears," said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in an impassioned plea to Congress. "How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding monkeys sound like?"

But Congress, under heavy pressure from the powerful monkey rights lobby, decided that money being spent on the monkey collider would be put to better use in other areas of government. Now, with funding cut off, the future of our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.

Congress began funding the monkey collider in 1983, after Reed convinced lawmakers that the U.S. was lagging behind the Soviet Union in monkey-colliding technology. Funds were quickly allocated so that Reed could spend a week procuring monkeys on Florida's beautiful Captiva Island. Though Reed returned with a great tan and a beautiful young fiancee, he reported that there were no monkeys to be found on the sunny Gulf Coast island. Congress funded subsequent trips to the Cayman Islands, Bora Bora and Cancun, but these searches also yielded negative results.

Two years passed without a single monkey being procured, and Congress was close to cutting the project's funding. It was then that Reed got the idea to utilize monkeys already being bred in captivity. The Congressional Subcommittee for Scientific Investigation was enthralled by the idea of watching caged monkeys copulate, and increased funding by 40 percent.

With a steady supply of monkeys ensured, construction of the monkey collider began on a scenic Colorado site. Despite environmental pressure, a mountain was levelled to facilitate construction of the seven-mile-wide complex. Huge underground tunnels were dug, at a cost of billions of dollars and 17 lives. Money left over was used to build resort homes, spas and video arcades for Reed, his colleagues and several Congressmen.

Construction of the collider's acceleration mechanism was delayed for years, as scientists couldn't decide how to get the monkeys up to smashing speed. Last month, it was finally decided that the collider would employ a system in which the monkeys run through the tunnels chasing holographic projections of bananas. "Monkeys love bananas," Reed said, "and they're willing to run extremely fast to get them."

But now it seems the acceleration mechanism may never be built. With the monkey collider placed on indefinite hold, the huge research facility in Colorado lies dormant. To keep the space from going to waste, Congress Monday voted to convert the empty underground tunnel into a federally funded drag-racing track. The track is expected to create hundreds of jobs in the form of pit crews and concessions workers, and will allow President Clinton to impress important foreign dignitaries with America's wheelie technology.

Despite this promising alternate plan, most involved with the monkey collider project feel the sudden cuts in funding are inexcusable. "It is a travesty of science," Reed said. "I remember the joy I felt in college when I would launch monkeys at one another with big rubber bands, and this project would have been even more enlightening."

[Grouch]

Aubs,

I like pepperoni & green peppers or black olive & mushroom or pineapple & canadian bacon.

[Dragonlady8]

Large Extra Cheese and 'shrooms for me

I think you people have a strange fetish for "primate love..........." ohhhh I'm sorry I stand corrected.
It's "Hot Monkey Love"

[TravelJunkie]

Jason is my naughty little matress monkey.

[earlcombearl]

anyone want a monkey?

[Dragonlady8]

DP~ ya got him on a string too?

[TravelJunkie]

lol more like a leish (sp?)

[Dragonlady8]

You animal trainer!

[Grouch]

My monkey has been very bad today, I need to go give him a spanking.

[TravelJunkie]

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA grough that was a little bit too much info there buddy

[Rocko]

Spanking the Monkey, nothing beats it. get it??????

[Grouch]

Hey,

When he is bad he definatley needs to be spanked, otherwise he takes advantageous of situations.

[Nor*Cal]

semen + sea people = seaciety

Good South Park

[criminally_minded]

Monkey Collider? I'd like to see that....