Help on my poem!!

Ryann* · Newbie Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 45 City: Manchester

I have to write any poem for english and i really hate poetry and i hate when people read mine in person.
So i was wondering if you guys, being my fellow wakeboarders and all Wink

could help me out.. esp. on the rhythm. or if its all in the same tense. which i'm pretty sure it is.
Here goes:
A true friend you could always trust.
Keeping your deepest secrets should be a must.
A true friend would be there, come what may.
Night or day they’d help you find your way.
A true friend would always do the nicest thing,
No matter what the future might bring.
A true friend would never even think to judge.
Their feelings for you would never budge.
A true friend might be hard to find.
But, god is so kind to give me mine.

Thank you soo much for any feed back! I love you guys! Very Happy

DaveBrowning · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:08 pm Post subject:

Dang... that's really good!! Wink

derrick lenz · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:15 pm Post subject:

don't worry you'll get an A.

Ryann* · Newbie Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 45 City: Manchester

Thanks guys but ne one sure they don't see ne thing wrong with it?
I mean my teacher is nasty..u can turn in what u think is a perfect paper and u'll get it back and it looks like someone murdered from all the red pen
I mean ithink she makes this face Twisted Evil

when correcting

DRAGON88 · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:17 pm Post subject:

A+++-

DaveBrowning · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:24 pm Post subject:

I read through it several times and it kept the rythym every time.

Ryann* · Newbie Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 45 City: Manchester

ok the 6th line?
I think that sounds a lil weird? ne suggestions for a word to slip in there? Question

DaveBrowning · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:30 pm Post subject:

How about: No matter what the future could possibly bring." ??

Ryann* · Newbie Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 45 City: Manchester

ya!!!!!!!!!!!

ok which do u like better?
Might possibly?
or could possibly?

DaveBrowning · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:40 pm Post subject:

could... to me, it makes it "flow" better.

Ryann* · Newbie Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 45 City: Manchester

OK THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

I actually feel confident about my hw!

DaveBrowning · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:43 pm Post subject:

you are soooooooooooooooooo welcome!! Very Happy

DRAGON88 · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:54 pm Post subject:

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
cool

DaveBrowning · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:55 pm Post subject:

there was no need in that many "o's" dragon!! Laughing

now the submit button is like 20 miles to the right!!

Ryann* · Newbie Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 45 City: Manchester

wow i feel like a dork now Embarassed

DaveBrowning · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 9:59 pm Post subject:

don't... we're just so bored, we can't find anything better to do than see how many "o's" we can fit on one page. if he gives you anymore trouble, just tell me and i'll give 'em the crazy eyes!!!

Jello John · Wakeboarder.Commie Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 1936

Just get rid of the comma after 'But' and capitalize God. Besides that, it's really, really good. If you don't get an A on it, then your teacher probably shouldn't be teaching.

DRAGON88 · Posted: Mar 01, 2003 11:03 pm Post subject:

Bu ha ha ha!!!! i moved the submit button. some times i sit in front of my computer and wonder why i am such a criminal master mind!

Jello John · Wakeboarder.Commie Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 1936

Yeah, I was going to say that you should delete that post but I forgot. I got kind of lost looking for that button. Thanks.

nick e[V]ans · Posted: Mar 02, 2003 1:48 am Post subject:

i wonder how many ooooooo's you can actually get across the screen??
there we go we all know now and nick can be satisfied that his is in fact the longest

nick e[V]ans · Posted: Mar 02, 2003 1:50 am Post subject:

ok so maybe that was taking it just a bit too far, i hope i didn't break anything?
haha i even moved the quick reply box that you write in over. SORRY

DRAGON88 · Posted: Mar 02, 2003 1:14 pm Post subject:

NICK how juvinale. you make me cry Mad

Snow Skate Wake · Outlaw Joined: 14 Feb 2003 Posts: 124

Try this:

A true friend is someone you can always trust.
Keeping your deepest secrets is always a must.
A true friend will always be there, come what may.
Night or day, they’ll help you find your way.
A true friend is always a beautiful thing,
No matter what the future may bring.
A true friend will never think to judge.
Their feelings for you will never budge.
A true friend can be hard to find.
But god has been kind and give me mine.

Changed the tense to present and re-did a little of the word choice, tell me what you think.

Chales · Guest

A true friend you could always trust.
Keeping your deepest secrets should be a must.
A true friend would be there, come what may.
Night or day they’d help you find your way.
A true friend would always do the nicest thing,
No matter what the future might bring.
A true friend would never even think to judge.
Their feelings for you would never budge.
A true friend might be hard to find.
But, god is so kind to give me mine.

Ya, there's a lot wrong with it both rhythmically and tense-wise.
The content is good, but its almost impossible for content to be
bad in a poem. Everything rhymes also, which I guess is a plus.
But here's some tips. Now, english isn't my strongest subject,
but I'll help how I can.

If you're going for rhythm, try and make each
line have the same amount of syllabyles. Now,
since you can write any kind of poem, I suppose
you could argue that its ok that the poem doesn't
flow right (you want the poem to have that kind
of effect on the reader), but I have a feeling that
won't fly. So just count the syllables, that's the
most basic way. In the first line, there's 8.
Second line, there's 11. And it goes up and
down throughout the poem, ending with 9.
Try and make it all the same.

Same with rhythm, you could claim that because
you're writing any kind of poem, it doesn't have
to stay in the same tense. Because that's how it
is right now. Just look at the verbs. Oh.. whoops,
yours is good Ryan, I was looking at Snow Skate
Wake's, it switches between future and present.
Actually, the last line in yours (Ryan) is the only
one that needs switching- you used "is" (present)...
I don't really see how you could switch it, besides
making the whole thing present, which is what I'd do.

One more thing grammar-wise, I don't know if
you want to capitalize the G in god or not.

Try and work off of all this, I know it seems like
a lot, and it is, but if you take your time and do
it right, it becomes much more easier to write.