Jokes

[techy]

Ok Ok its been awhile since Ive seen a good joke ans had a laught post them here corny r not it doesnt mater..im bored

[techy]

lol

[Grouch]

At the Polish Agricultural university, the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked, "Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?"

The Professor answered, "Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn't screw you afterwards, wouldn't you look depressed, too?"

[Grouch]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper" she replies.

[NAW]

Good one Grouch!


Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs Jackson were struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and
it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Grouch]

Right back at ya NAW Good One!

[NAW]

1. what's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?....45 minutes
2. what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?....45 pounds
3. How do you know when women orgasms?....who cares?
4. What's the Cuban National Anthem?....row, row, row your boat..

[Grouch]

What do you tell a girl with 2 black eyes?.... Nothing you already told her twice

[NAW]

hahaha!

What do you call a smart blonde?......a golden retriever
Why do brides always wear white?.....because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? ..........Because those men already have boyfriends.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? ..........The blonde, because she's 18

[Grouch]

Good I like the dishwasher on especially.

I will try to think up some more and post them.

[Sean_Brinston]

Lmao nice Naw

[STPHNSN23]

how do u get 4 gay guys on 1 barstool?????

flip it upside down

[Grouch]

whats the most commonly heard pick up line at a gay bar?

May I push your stool in.

[ohsix]

Since we're on gay jokes:
What did one gay condom say to the other?

Let's go get sh*tfaced.

[JHrod]

no more gay jokes!!!

[Chales]

Knock Knock.

[DaveBrowning]

who's there?

[Bill Y Bob]

yo mama

[NAW]

What sexual position produces the ugliest children?.........I don't know, ask your mom!
What's the difference between a new dog and a husband?.........After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?...............The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys like Grouch and Kyle have? ..................Palm Sunday.

[Grouch]

NAW

Your to much today, your on a roll.

[NAW]

Sorry Grouch, didn't mean to pick on ya....you just seem like you can take a joke better than the rest......Your avatar kills me everytime I see it!!!

[Dees]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls
into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and
get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW 328i back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time the chicken fell in the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW 328i to pick
up chicks.

[NAW]

That's a good one Dees!


A man walks into a pet shop looking to buy a Parrot. He comes across a cage with a legless parrot, sitting on his perch and a price of $200. The man looks at the parrot and says, “damn, dude, how in the hell can you sit on that perch without any legs. The parrot replies “I wrap my willy around it. But I’m a really smart parrot, I can hold a conversation on any topic, politics, psychology, sex…just about anything.” The man says he can’t spend $200. The parrot says ”psssst….if you offer the owner $20 he’ll sell me to you, I have no legs for god sakes.” The man ends up buying the legless parrot for $20 and taking him home.

A few days pass, and the man comes home from work. The parrot says “pssssst…come here.” The man leans over. The parrot continues, “ Hey, the mail man came over today while you were at work.” “So?” the man replies. “Your wife answered the door in nothing except a black nighty” the parrot said. “well, what happened?” asks the man.
“He came inside and started kissing her neck and chest!” The man says, “then what happened?!” The parrot said “well, he just didn’t stop kissing her and moved his way on down!” The man, extremely angry says “what happened after that?”………..The parrot says “ I don’t know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch”

[Grouch]

NAW,

If I can dish it out, I better be able to take it. Its all in good fun.

[wake152]

how many battered females it take to screw in a lightbulb??

One if she knows whats good for her

[Grouch]

NAW,

you need some originality, I told that joke last week. Posted on Feb 19.

http://forums.wakeboarder.com/viewtopic.php?t=1961&start=0

[NAW]

....sorry, you see, I have this condition where I can't remember anything..........

[Grouch]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

[B-rad]

there are 2 ladies and a gay guy talking. The 1st lady says "When my husband dies I'm going to cremate him and throw him over the ocean so he can be with one of his favorite places". the next lady says "When my husband dies I'm going to cremate my husband and scatter his ashes over the meadow that he proposed to me so he will always be in a loving place". the gay guy says "when my partner dies I'm going to cremate my partner and put him into some chilli with a lot of tabasco. that way he can tear my @ss up like he used to".

[NAW]

That's fricken hilllarious B-Rad!!!

[Grouch]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the stuff out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God".

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[criminally_minded]

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
*******************************************************

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
*******************************************************

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
*******************************************************
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
*******************************************************

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[Aubs]

i have to say out of all of these... the 18 year old blonde one made me laugh the hardest...

[nick e[V]ans]

they were the best jokes i have read in a hell of a long time

[base]

i got a good one, but i hate to type...