Hump Day Humor

[Dragonlady8]

and Happy St Paddy's day to all.

I just hope this hasn't been posted before

http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

[Dpierce37]

thanks, Dlady, just spit my coffee onto my keyboard

[Dpierce37]

possibly the best joke relating to Dlady herself!!!!

CIA Job Vacancy

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2
men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill
my
wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow.

This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."!!!!!!

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.!!!!

[Dpierce37]

The greatest sagga ever! (this is actully pretty well made videos of our favorite action hero's)


Mario Brothers: Part !
http://www.deviantart.com/view/5142652/

Mario Brothers: Part 2
http://www.deviantart.com/view/5143991/

[Leggester]

Subject: Nutrition Study


Finally an answer to all the nutrition problems! For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.

[Dpierce37]

AN ANGRY LETTER FROM ENGLAND

Actual British complaint letter.

The piece suggests two things

1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).

2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.

====================================

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
--
an activity at which YOU are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NT and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b@st@rds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT -- w*nkers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell

[Jim M]

Dpierce37, have you seen the Halo 'Red vs Blue' saga? Now THAT is some good stuff

[Dpierce37]

you mean this ...... http://www.redvsblue.com/


oh yea, some funny stuff. Reminds me of like a mallrats movie or something.


damn just reading the site, I didnt know they were here in Austin for the film festival! I would have love to have gone to that show.

[Chales]

[Dpierce37]

i think it had "Gladitor" theme music