In order to go to war with Iraq, we need help from France...

Chales · Guest

o Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 200 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

o Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

o Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

o Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

o Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

o War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

o The Dutch War - Tied

o War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

o War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

o American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome" and
leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America
does most of the fighting."

o French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

o The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.

o The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy
to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

o World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

o World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

o War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu

o Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

o War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender
to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

King of the Tigers · Posted: Feb 14, 2003 3:27 pm Post subject:

hahahahaha that's hilarious Chales!

Chales · Guest

And for a bit of emphasis...

Chales · Guest

And they say all we have to do is find some weapons of mass destruction:

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

Chales · Guest

Alright, last one. No offense to all you French out there. Not.

MICHAEL JACKSON ADMITS PLASTIC SURGERY; FRANCE UNCONVINCED

Chirac Demands More Time for U.N. Face Inspectors

At the United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered what he called “conclusive proof” that the singer Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery, but failed to convince France.

In his presentation, Mr. Powell first showed two photos of Mr. Jackson, taken in 1979 and 2003, to illustrate the dramatic transformation of the singer’s face from human to Halloween mask.

As Security Council members watched intently, Mr. Powell then played a tape of a recent court appearance by Mr. Jackson, during which the tip of his nose appeared to fall from his face and onto the floor.

Finally, Mr. Powell played a tape of the ABC program “20/20” in which Mr. Jackson admitted he had plastic surgery, after which a visibly frustrated Mr. Powell turned to the ambassador from France and said, “How much more freaking proof do you clowns need?”

While the French ambassador did not respond, impassively sipping on a glass of red wine while reading a book by Camus, later in the day French President Jacques Chirac had harsh words for Mr. Powell, saying that the Secretary of State “had proved nothing.”

President Chirac added that the United Nations should grant its official face inspection team more time to look at Mr. Jackson’s head to determine whether the singer had plastic surgery or not.

In related news, President Chirac said the U.S. had failed to show convincing proof that Jennifer Lopez has a big ***.

**** BOROWITZ REPORT ****

Ryan W · Posted: Feb 14, 2003 3:39 pm Post subject:

HAHAHAHA.

nick e[V]ans · Posted: Feb 14, 2003 7:14 pm Post subject:

hahahaha well done chales, you must be so bored

Jello John · Wakeboarder.Commie Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 1936

The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

base · Outlaw Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 208

but we do need the french so they can instruct the iraqi's on how to surrender...

Chales · Guest

Couldn't help but notice all the French posts around... Boy was I ahead of the game.

NAW · Posted: Mar 13, 2003 6:35 pm Post subject:

bbwwahhhahha! that's some funy shiz! Laughing

nick e[V]ans · Posted: Mar 13, 2003 8:36 pm Post subject:

i must say chales, you did jump the gun on it a little. well done, base has reposted your second post as well

Jello John · Wakeboarder.Commie Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 1936

He didn't really jump the gun, everyone else was just slow.

Lakebu · Outlaw Joined: 09 Mar 2003 Posts: 158 City: NorCalif.

"France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.

-- Mark Twain

pedro · Posted: Mar 13, 2003 11:11 pm Post subject:

Guys, guys, guys

Someone needs to take the French side here.

We shouldn't be giving them so much grief because.... Sorry I can't think of anything.

Ho hum...

Leggester · Posted: Mar 14, 2003 6:03 am Post subject:

Well, my two cents here....

If we went to war without the French - who'd do the cooking?

( one of my favorite quotes )

gking · Criminal Joined: 15 Jan 2003 Posts: 56 City: Lima, Peru

.... The French can be nasty........

............. Come to Greece.......

.........We are nicer.............

And our women are hot and topless too!!

Leggester · Posted: Mar 14, 2003 6:45 am Post subject:

Yes, and dark and hairy! Their OK if they shave - their face.

NAW · Posted: Mar 14, 2003 10:57 am Post subject:

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours.. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

akirachan · Criminal Joined: 11 Feb 2003 Posts: 61

Going to war without france is like going hunting without your accordian.

akirachan · Criminal Joined: 11 Feb 2003 Posts: 61

The French have no word for victory.