Coping with Divorce

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 03, 2012 9:30 pm Post subject: Coping with Divorce

Thought I would get yalls opinions...My parents have been divorced since I was 2 and I am now 16. My parents DO NOT get along and have been through many child support battles. My Dad had been placed in county jail for 45 days at the end of last school year, and my mom blocked my dad and stepmoms numbers from my phone. I have always struggled with dealing with this because I am always stuck in the middle and have to make decisions that Id rather not make. Has anyone grown up with divorced parents? And if you did how did you deal with it if I may ask?

jfergus7 · Posted: Feb 03, 2012 11:08 pm Post subject:

Can't say that I have dealt with that but it is absolutely terrible that they put you in the middle of issues they have with eachother. I am on the other side of that as a single father. I make every effort to get along with both of my ex's for the sake of my 2 daughters. Even though I can't stand either of my ex's I know that in the best interest of my girls I better atleast make as best an effort as possible to get along with them.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 7:54 am Post subject:

jfergus7, see thats really good that you put your girls best interest first and at least make an attempt to get along with their mom. My parents hate of each other has grown as the years have grown on, and it is hard to listen to them talk bad about each other because I love them both and dont think of them that way.

E.J. · Ladies Man Joined: 15 Jan 2003 Posts: 7597 City: Mogadishu

I would discuss it with both of them. It may be good to write down your thoughts and what you want to say prior to the meeting, so you don't gloss over stuff, miss stuff, get sidetracked.

I would make it clear that you do not want feedback or input from them until you completely say what you have to say. Maybe you could leave them with the letter(your thoughts) and tell them that you really don't want a response or their explanation as to why they do what they do, you just want them to be clear, and aware, of how you feel about the situation and the position you are put in.

In the end, you cannot control their behavior, they are going to do what they choose to do. But it may be good to let them know the effect it has on you and where you stand on the position it puts you in.

Was your dad incarcerated due to failure to pay his court ordered child support?

My parents have been married for 45 years. I have been divorced once and have a child with that first wife.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 9:37 am Post subject:

E.J., I have never thought about doing that. I will have to try that soon. Its just hard to tell them things because they are baised towards each other. And yes, he was.

goofyboy · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 9:45 am Post subject:

Parents divorced since I was 3. Both remarried great people. Your folks need to grow up. The good news is that you are going to be 18 soon and you will be able to dictate the relationship you have with your folks. Hang in there.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 9:47 am Post subject:

goofyboy, Thank you. Both are remarried also to good people also.

Jester · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 10:23 am Post subject:

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 11:03 am Post subject:

Jester, yeah I am always the one that they pry details of each others personal lives. I have no biological siblings only half and step, so I am on my own with this. Yeah they may not, but it might be worth trying.

Nor*Cal · Ladies Man Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9479 City: Sac

I think you should act out, start drinking, smoking, recreational drug use, skipping class, sleeping around...

OR,

Realize adults can be immature and wrong so work hard so that when the time comes you can remove yourself from this situation. College is worth it, so get good grades and do community service, lots of local scholarships never have applicants and those dollars can add up to a full boat real quick.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 12:53 pm Post subject:

Nor*Cal, Thanks...Yeah I think Im going to stick with the second option. Not to brag, but I am a good student, Im in NHS, never gotten in trouble, and I plan on going to college.

ohsix · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 1:38 pm Post subject:

wakechick13, my parents divorced when I was 2 as well. They got along okay until my dad remarried 3 years later and have never been able to get along since then. I'm 27 now and I still have to put up with my mom's shjit. Even at my wedding, 3 years ago, my mother saw an opportunity to knock my dad in front of all who would listen. She gave a speech about how hard it was to raise me on her own right in front of my dad and stepmother who raised me just as much, if not more, than she did.

In hindsight, my dad moved on when I was young and I think he has always tried to take the high road. My mom, and even members of her family, often tried to convince me that my dad was a horrible person. Now that I'm old enough to look back and understand, I hold some contempt for my mother and others that talked bad about my father and I respect my dad greatly for never stooping to that level. My dad tried to get custody of me a couple of times when I was growing up which caused some adversity between sides of my family. It was tough growing up through that. I wish I had some magic words that would make it easy, but it never became easy for me. I do feel like I'm a stronger person because of what I went through and hope it will make me a better father to my kids.

I told my mother many times growing up how I felt about the situation and it never got any better. All I can say is that it gets better when you get away for college then start your own family and have people you care about more than your parents.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 04, 2012 1:45 pm Post subject:

ohsix, I am really sorry that happened to you. I know that there arent any magic words, but I agree that it truely does make you a stronger person. I just would never put a kid through this.

Okie Boarder · Ladies Man Joined: 03 Mar 2008 Posts: 10056 City: Edmond

We have some friends that have great relationships and others that are horrrible, following their divorces. I would agree with the comments so far about how the bad relationships really can have a negative affect on the kids. I think a lot of people don't realize it. Several friends have kids that are 16-18 and the kids are wising up to what has gone on and have a lot of respect for the parent that takes the high road and does things right. Your parents are hurting you more than each other and they may not realize it. I like EJ's idea of talking to them about it too. Like was said, they may not change, but they will know how you feel. It may plant a seed that will cause change later on, as well.

If my boys felt I was doing something that was wronging them, I'd want them to tell me.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 05, 2012 7:52 am Post subject:

Okie Boarder, In a way I kinda dont have any respect for any of the divorce rulings/court decisions mainly because it basically runs my life until I am 18. but, do you think my parents would rather know how I feel?

Aubs · Motorboat Queen Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9167

There's no ONE way to deal with divorce. Every divorce is different. What worked for one person won't work for everyone else. I know people whose parents get along like best friends after the divorce, but I know some who had even worse situations than you are in. Divorce sucks. It's not easy to deal with.

You know your parents better than any person on this board. Look at their past actions/comments and try and gauge how they'd react to some of your ideas. Sometimes, you have to pick a side. Although you may not want to, messy divorces reveal a lot about each parent's inner thoughts and brings out some pretty ugly reactions. You have seen how each of them are - you need to make the decision of what to do and how to handle the situation.

Whether you have respect for the court rulings or not, you don't have a choice but to abide by them until you're 18. The day of your 18th birthday, do whatever you think is best for yourself. While you want to make your parents happy, you do have to put yourself first and think of what will make YOU happy sometimes. It's the only way to survive an awful divorce.

nmballa · Posted: Feb 05, 2012 12:04 pm Post subject:

Gosh, can't wait to screw up my kids...

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 05, 2012 12:28 pm Post subject:

Aubs, Yeah I understand...I just hate choosing sides.I only have 2 more years... nmballa, What do you mean?

nmballa · Posted: Feb 05, 2012 1:13 pm Post subject:

Screw em up with my third divorce. Its all in the life plan. (sarcasm, in that hazy/hungover/still maybe drunk stage from last night. Ignore my posts.)

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 05, 2012 1:33 pm Post subject:

nmballa, wow....um ok?

joedirt00 · Posted: Feb 05, 2012 8:10 pm Post subject:

Yep, my ex wife does what she can to screw up my kids. Bad-mouths me whenever she can to them. Tries to use them to spy on me. Tells them to be mean to people I know. I try to limit contact because of it. All her little friends back her but fail to see that I have custody of my kids for good reason. I never say anything bad about her to the kids because I hope they will form their own opinion without my influence and I'm sure they will. Suck for them because I'm not sure what to do except try to raise them right.

Aubs · Motorboat Queen Joined: 12 Jan 2003 Posts: 9167

You may hate to choose sides, but at some point, you don't have a choice. Sometimes you have to be selfish. And when it comes to angry parents, you're allowed to be.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 06, 2012 5:35 am Post subject:

joedirt00, yeah thats what my parents do. See but I cant/never look at my parents the way they talk about each other.

Aubs, Yeah...I know its just hard...

joedirt00 · Posted: Feb 06, 2012 9:01 pm Post subject:

I was tucking my 7 year old daughter in one night and this is how it went. Dad, I have to tell you something.
what do you have to tell me?
Mommy told me to be mean to Jennifer.
Do you want to do that.
No, I like her. She is fun.

Sucks that she would so low as to mess with her own kids ' minds.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 5:28 am Post subject:

joedirt00, See thats horrible, and I have stood my ground about my step-parents because I love both of them.

b_girl · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 5:30 am Post subject:

First off - I agree with what most people on here have said, that you have to tell your parents how you feel.

Secondly - if you go the "choosing sides" route, just make sure one of the sides includes choosing none of them. As in, choose your mom, dad or neither. You need to do what you feel will be best for you in the long run. If your parents can't grow up and act like adults, they need to suffer the consequences in putting you in the middle like that, even if that means they lose you entirely.

I've never gone through a divorce, but have recently gone through some terrible family experiences of my own. I was put in the middle and was forced into making a choice between sides. In the end, I did what I felt was best for me... I still believe it was the best decision but it doesn't change the fact that the situation is difficult. So, that's why I say, do what's best for you, and be prepared to stand by that decision.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 5:37 am Post subject:

b_girl, See thats kinda where I do stand, Injust havent tol my parents that. I have just got to the point where I hardly tell my parents anything about anything...Sorry that you had to go through that too...

goofyboy · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 6:30 am Post subject:

OR you could be a little stuff and play them off of one another. Get a nice truck from one, then a boat from the other. Ski Trip from one, European vacation from the other. Very Happy

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 6:42 am Post subject:

goofyboy, Hahaha:) loooove the idea! I am getting a car from my mom and my dad is going to teach me how to drive a boat! My mom took me on a cruise to Mexico for my sweet 16 and dad is going to take me to Lake Whitney during the summer.

LoudonTN · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 6:53 am Post subject:

Wow, I'm sorry WC, I feel so bad for you. Nothing is worse than parents who affect their children with their divorce, they should be doing their utmost to make this easy on you and...well, this isn't doing that.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 9:18 am Post subject:

LoudonTN, Thanks London. I appreciate it. Yeah I have kinda learned to deal with it...been divorced since I was 2...turned 16 on Jan 18th

pet575 · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 9:36 am Post subject:

Print this thread out and "accidentally" leave a copy out for each of them to find/read.

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 07, 2012 9:55 am Post subject:

pet575, Haha I could do that...

wakechick13 · Posted: Feb 08, 2012 6:26 pm Post subject:

So this just happened today actually...I was talking to my mom about my NTHS Induction ceremony and she asked if I had told my dad about that. I told her of course I did and she asked me why would I think of doing that? My response was why would I not? This is a big deal and I want him to come. And her answer was simply because she doesnt want him to be at my school and doesnt want him there when if she goes.

goofyboy · Posted: Feb 08, 2012 6:29 pm Post subject:

Then tell her not to go. He will be there and this is important to you. No need to ruin the night over her. She was invited. Be done and have a great night with your father.