How do you make someone self aware?

pyrocasto · Posted: Dec 24, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: How do you make someone self aware?

Many people refuse to look at themselves when problems arise, and blame others for everything. I'm finding this to be the case with my mother. Married 27 years, just now fighting constantly about my dad. The problem is, most of my mom's problems seem to be self created. Dad's not home and she's lonely, then go make some friends and have fun damnet. She wants him to quit working so much and come home, then go help him get the work he has to get done, done.

The type of person that when she receives constructive criticism from everyone around her, they are all wrong and ganging up on people. Even the few pycs.

For some reason people still like to blame others for their own mistakes or misery, when we each have choices which affect our own lives. We need to take more responsibility for ourselves for pete's sake.

sorry /rant

Dragonlady8 · Black Widow Joined: 27 Aug 2004 Posts: 9198

DJew Jake · Posted: Dec 24, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject:

Or it is just part of being human?

hco · Posted: Dec 25, 2008 1:23 pm Post subject:

One of the best life lessons I was taught was similar to this, and it was a good one to learn. I have no problem admitting to mistakes and whatnot, but in sports I had a tendency to blame others for things that they did do wrong, but my coach ripped into me then explained how you have to pick up the slack for your teamates and part of being a leader is doing other's jobs for them to make sure everything happens.

Neognosis · Ladies Man Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 17617 City: Webster

Is there a reason why your dad works so much and doesn't spend time with your mother? What makes you say this is all her fault? Could you be overlooking that your mother is older and feeling vulnerable about her age and fading feminine beauty, and looking for validation from your father that she is still a vibrant and attractive woman... but he's working all the time and she feels that he doesn't see her the way she needs to be seen by him.

Maybe it's not about getting your father's work done, but about her need for this validation? This is usually why women have affairs, btw. Just consider that it actually might not be all her fault.

I don't know you or your mother, just pitting the possibility out there.

pyrocasto · Posted: Dec 25, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject:

cameraboy, you hit the nail on the head, she just makes it a little harder to even do that.

My dad is required ATM to work 60-80 hours a week. He's majority owner of the business and working his ass off to help keep it alive. She abuses him verbally about it, saying he's a workaholic(even though he's the only reason 20 people have jobs right now, including me). Even if I help get stuff calmed down at work which will change his general attitude she is going to have to change for their marriage to work out.

Neognosis · Ladies Man Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 17617 City: Webster

That's really unfortunate, pyro. From what you are telling me, your father has to work those hours, and your mother is not getting the attention from him that she needs.

It seems like this isn't all her fault. Your dad needs to work, your mother needs his attention. I understand how you think she has to change, but can someone change their needs for affection and attention? idk.

Can they take a vacation sometime together? Is there a compromise that they both can make? It sounds like your mother is very unhappy, and that's sad. Can your dad cut back and hire someone to fill in for him part time?

I know you said it's your mother's fault because she's not going out and making friends and having fun, but maybe she doesn't want/need friends and fun...she wants/needs your father to make her feel a certain way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, without really knowing siht about the real situation, is that it sounds like it's not as simple as your mother denying her needs from your father and just dealing with it.

You said she should help him get his work done at work. Is that realistic? Can she work with him? Have they talked about this? Maybe that's the solution... she works with him and he takes some time to give her what she needs..???

I hope I'm not overstepping. Just kicking ideas around and this type of thing, interpersonal relationships, is something I have great interest in.

Lindsay · Posted: Dec 25, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject:

From my experience with my parents' years of fighting and eventual divorce after 34 years, and even from my own new marriage of only 8 months, I can tell you that outsiders (even closely related, living under the same roof outsiders) will never know everything that's going on between a married couple. The fighting about working is probably only the tip of the iceberg, or the only easily identifiable symptom of other not so easily identified stuff.

Oh, and you can't solve your parents problems. They both have to want to fix them and do it for themselves. While cameraboy has some good ideas/insights, I don't see good things coming from inserting yourself.

JMO, speaking from experience with my folks. I spent a summer working for the family biz with them, the summer before my dad asked for a divorce. It was ugly, and naturally I tried to fix things, and it just made things worse (mostly for me).

Neognosis · Ladies Man Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 17617 City: Webster

I never said he should insert himself into anything. I'm a little concerned that, in the original post, he sounds like he's blaming his mother for all this, saying that she has to change. IN the OP, he didn't seem to be taking a look at things from his mother's possible perspective. Instead, he said that she just blames everyone. Well, that sounded like he was solely blaming her. I only encourage him to try to see another perspective instead of assuming that the solution is for his mother to "become self aware" and take responsibility and go try to be happy.

She just might go find happiness on her own. But again, I'm just throwing things out there. I don't know what's going on.

pyrocasto · Posted: Dec 25, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject:

cameraboy, they both need help. On one side you have a guy who receives nothing but sh*t from everyone all day long, making him look and feel like sh*t. Then there's the wife, who is generally upset because of this involvement, but somewhat takes it out on him.

I dont blame her only for this situation, as even I have to take some of the blame. That's why I'm working my arse off to get him out of the company so they at least have a chance at being happy. Who knows though as Lindsay said, there is stuff between them I'm sure I dont even know about, and even with him out of the business they may not make it through it. At least that way though, they will have a fighting chance.

Time is the only tell all though, so we'll see as we go. Almost seems like they're giving up these days.

Neognosis · Ladies Man Joined: 13 Jan 2003 Posts: 17617 City: Webster

good luck. I hope things work out for all of you. Sometimes the person we pick for us at 18,19, or even 25, 35, isn't the person who's best for us at 40, 55, 60, etc.

It's a nice, romantic notion to think that people can always maintain that connection, but the truth of it is that sometimes people can't, or don't, keep that intimacy and connection. I guess it's sad, but it seems to sometimes just be the way of things. idk... of course people can 'fix' things, but sometimes I see a couple who've been together for years and years, and they aren't happy. But people admire them for staying together. And I think "what's so admirable about enduring a life of unhappiness?"

idk...it's a lot to think about, you know? Society tells us that to be happy, we have to get married and be with that one person for the entire rest of our lives... but how realistic is that?

well, hope they work it out, anyways....