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Faust
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 9:18 am    Post subject: Wedding Reply with quote

Long story please bear with me.... these thoughts need to get out of my head more than anything Cool

My girlfriend (now fiancee) and I moved from Wisconsin to Florida a year ago. I proposed 3 months ago and she said yes. We have fairly big families and in total left behind ~80 relatives in the midwest. For the most part, we are all big Green Bay Packer fans (especially her side). So a few days after engagement, we found out the Packers would be playing Tampa Bay on December 21st, we saw this as a great opportunity to hold our wedding December 20th in Tampa - people could visit Florida during the Wisconsin winter, see the Packers the next day, and likely have days off for the holidays.

For the most part this was true - for her side of the family. Her entire family is thrilled and can't wait (from what I can tell). But on my side, turns out the past few months my mom has been fielding complaints from her parents and siblings about what an inconvenience this is, why we are rushing, ruining the holidays, expensive flights, etc etc. I've even gotten a call from my aunt to this affect in the same breath that she said 'Congratulations'. It doesn't help that my mother, grandmother, and godmother (mom's sister) have always been the evil trio of drama. My side of the family, especially mom, is starting to drive us crazy, and we don't know if we can/should deal with 5 months of this.

In addition to the complaints about the date/location, we are now starting to question the weekend specifics. We were trying to keep things simple. Small rehearsal and rehearsal dinner Friday night (~15 people). Ceremony/reception Saturday (~80 people). Packer game Sunday afternoon (~50 people). That's it. But after talking with my mom, she thinks we should be doing more to show appreciation for everyone making the trip down, and the costs associated with traveling/lodging. Such as making dinner/event arrangements for everyone that won't be at the rehearsal dinner, buying all the Packer tickets for my side of the family, etc

Maybe I'm cold but I disagree. I've had to fly out to several weddings for family members these past few years. I had no expectations whatsoever that the bride/groom would take care of me in any way beyond a ceremony and reception. And that's typically all that happened and everything was cool. The thought didn't even come close to entering my mind that I wasn't being included enough. I'm simply happy to be there.

So... any thoughts or words of wisdom? Are we out of line inviting ~75 people to an out of town wedding? Near Christmas? What should we be organizing and paying for? Should I really be getting this stressed out with 5 months to go? This is just one weekend! Right!?!
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 9:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Take this with a grain of salt as it's just my opinion, but I do think inviting 75 people to an out of town wedding is a bit ridiculous, or would be for my family anyway. People may have other priorities or may not see the same things you do as "fun" such as the Packers game and when it's family you feel obliged to attend. Not to mention people may have other plans during the holiday. I'm sure your mom is probably being especially annoying because she's probably fielding the complaints from other family members who don't want to say anything directly to you guys.

I just got married in June and initially we had thought about doing a destination wedding with immediate family (not aunts/uncles) and that would still be about 20ish people total. Our conclusion was that we felt it wasn't fair to ask people to fly down somewhere for a week, have to use a week of their holidays, and at a destination of our choosing, and have to spend that vacation time with family (some may want to, some like doing their own thing). We ended up just doing a weekend thing locally and that way people didn't have to spend much money or time.

Someone just invited us to a destination wedding in Mexico and I was also invited to one in California, but we aren't going to either of them. Too much time and money.

Are the majority of your family in Wisconsin? You could always invite people out there for pre-wedding party (those who want to do it) and then get married at home. Or are you guys set on getting married in Florida?
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Faust
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 9:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks... yes we are set on the Florida beach wedding. That is fiancee's dream.

And I agree 75 people is a lot. Too much. If I had it my way it would be closer to 20 people (immediate family only). But that option went out the window the day after engagement. Before we had even settled on a date/place, all of our aunts, uncles, and cousins were 'invited' in one way or another. And it doesn't look like anyone is declining (which would be completely ok!)
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 9:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got married 5 years ago this month. The 1st thing I had to do was figure out where I sat on the totem pole for wedding decisions. I was 4th or 5th behind my wife, her mother, her father, and my stepmother. Her father really didn't have much input besides budget, and my parents picked up 1/2 the tab anyway so that really wasn't a concern. I wanted to elope or have a small destination wedding. We got married 5 hours from home with ~300 guests which is exactly what my wife wanted. I wanted a white tux jacket, I had a black tux jacket, again my wife's choice. My wife planned and stressed about our wedding day for 5 months. In hindsight, my wife believes we had one of the funnest weddings ever (based on attendees who have said so), but she would have been fine with a small destination wedding.

As someone attending a wedding, all I expect is free alcohol. You can invite me to a wedding in China or down the street from my house. I use the middle name rule for whether I should attend a wedding. If I know your middle name, I probably know you well enough that I should attend your wedding. If it's a destination wedding and it's someplace I'd like to go anyway, I'll probably go. If it's not a place I'd like to go, I won't go.

I think you need to let your wife plan whatever wedding you want. It's her day. Not your day, not your family's day, not her family's day, or anyone else. Just be realistic in who you expect to come if it requires travel.
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 9:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I say your day, do what you want. If people don't want to join you, that's fine.
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 9:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it's your wedding. do what you want to do, but don't be offended if people don't/can't come. my cousin from ohio just got married in FL in may. she invited everyone, but it was understood that people might not be able to make it. a lot of us went down for the wedding, but several didn't. it wasn't a big deal, and she expected that going into it.
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 9:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ohsix wrote:

I think you need to let your wife plan whatever wedding you want. It's her day. Not your day, not your family's day, not her family's day, or anyone else. Just be realistic in who you expect to come if it requires travel.


That sums it up....
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 10:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

We got married in Vegas (because we lived there). We had AT LEAST 75 people out of the 120 we invited come from out of town.

Not one peep out of anyone about the flights/accommodations. NOT ONE. Everyone had a kick ass time, and yes we had an open bar and it was all 2nd or 3rd shelf (no well at all).

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Faust
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ohsix wrote:
The 1st thing I had to do was figure out where I sat on the totem pole for wedding decisions.


This strikes at the heart of what has been making me anxious. There was order. Fiancee 1st. Her mom 2nd. Me 3rd. Fiancee was basically doing and planning everything while her parents and I were basically splitting the bill. Cool

This changed a few days ago when my mom cut me a check, splitting the wedding bill 3 ways. And unfortunately she thinks she belongs at the top of this totem pole. Its going to be a trick convincing her to step down a notch.
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Neognosis
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 11:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, I disagree with some of you.

There is etiquette for this situation, and it exists for a reason. So that you know what to do and so you don't insult someone

Wedding etiquette is to invite all out of town guests to a rehearsal dinner, and feed them there. At minimum.

If you want your mother to step down a notch, give back her money. Mothers are usually pretty concerned with not insulting any of the guests with a breach of etiquette and stuff like that though, in addition to being generally opinionated.

Now, friends and acquaintances are one thing. As far as they go, their desires and finances come second, I'll agree with that. However, if you are close with some people and you expect them to suck up what might be an actual financial burden, then don't expect to remain friends with them after your wedding, if they even come at all.


As for family, this is not just YOUR day, it is also your day to share with your family. Your parents raised you, fed you, clothed you, maybe even sent you to school. Maybe even your aunts and uncles were involved too. How you going to essentially charge them to come to your wedding? That's a bit myopic. Your wedding is, in their mind, the culmination of everything they have done as part of raising you. So it's not really just "your day."

Quote:
it's your wedding. do what you want to do, but don't be offended if people don't/can't come. my cousin from ohio just got married in FL in may. she invited everyone, but it was understood that people might not be able to make it. a lot of us went down for the wedding, but several didn't. it wasn't a big deal, and she expected that going into it.


I agree with this. Unless it's close family that can't make it due to the time and cost involved. Then, it is a slight.

Of course, this all depends on your economic culture. If you come from families that have tons of time off from work and money to spend on leisure, then you have more flexibility. But you are still breaching good etiquette.

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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 1:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I disagree with most of this^, but don't think it matters so long as you understand this part we agree on:

Quote:
it's your wedding. do what you want to do, but don't be offended if people don't/can't come. my cousin from ohio just got married in FL in may. she invited everyone, but it was understood that people might not be able to make it. a lot of us went down for the wedding, but several didn't. it wasn't a big deal, and she expected that going into it.


No way were we inviting 75 people to a rehearsal dinner. Screw that noise. Nor was I paying their way. We had a few that couldn't make it, and I understood and moved on.

What we DID do... was make sure we had an absolute kick ass still talked about today 13 years later over the top bonkers wedding in a killer setting with killer food and killer drinks and killer music. I'm guessing all the filet mignon, Johnny Black, Grey Goose, Bombay Sapphire, and great DJ spinning lessened the impact of the getting there costs. Laughing

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Faust
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 1:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Neognosis wrote:
Wedding etiquette is to invite all out of town guests to a rehearsal dinner, and feed them there. At minimum.


Wedding etiquette is for everyone at rehearsal to be at the rehearsal dinner. Inviting out-of-towners to the rehearsal dinner is a recent thing. Which gets thrown out the window when ALL of the guests are from out of town. Otherwise you have two reception sized events two days in a row.

I'm not completely oblivious when it comes to etiquette! Laughing
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 1:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Neognosis, on the rehersal dinner, it should include the wedding party, family and all out of town guests. Weddings in my family normally have well over 50 at the rehersal dinner
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Little Girls dream about weddings since the started making white dresses, being said that it is her day she has been planning since day she was riding a tricycle. So lets look at the facts.

1. She dreams of getting married on the beach. You are getting married on the beach and since you now live in Florida this works out great.
2. There are no beaches in Wisconsin.= You are not getting married there.

So the real issue is timing. Do you have large gatherings for Christmas that this will get in the way of? Maybe it is a money issue. Look up flights to Florida for say March and December and see what the difference is and maybe offer to pay the difference?

We got married on a destination wedding and when we came back we had a small party for our family and friends near our house. This might be an option for you.

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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Wedding etiquette is for everyone at rehearsal to be at the rehearsal dinner. Inviting out-of-towners to the rehearsal dinner is a recent thing.


I found various answers for out of town guests, most said it is nice to invite out of towners to the rehearsal dinner but not obligatory, but all said that it is considered rude to leave them stranded in their hotel rooms with nothing to do.

cherry picked this one though:

Who's invited?
Your dinner must include: all members of the wedding party (and their spouses or dates); parents of flower girls or ring bearers in the wedding, if the little ones are invited; all parents, stepparents and grandparents of the bride and groom, plus siblings who are not in the wedding party (and their spouses or significant others); and often the officiant and his or her spouse. Out-of-town guests should also be invited, but if you prefer to keep the gathering more intimate, schedule an event for them at another location—perhaps at a restaurant or at the hotel where they’re staying, or informal cocktails at the home of a relative or close friend.

http://www.bridalguide.com/planning/showers-parties/rehearsal-dinner-etiquette

I think that you should also try to get a feel for how important various things are to your family. Is this going to be something that makes your mother resent your wife for the next 20 years?

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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, and of course, congratulations!
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PostPosted: Jul 10, 2014 6:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was customary to invite the out of towners to the rehearsal dinner also, but this isn't my area of expertise.

Also, an out of town wedding that close to Christmas is probably not the best idea if you are wanting family to attend. Travel costs are higher, people have holiday plans/traditions, etc.

What about changing it up and going with a small beach wedding as planned and then have a kick a$$ reception / party back home for all the not so close family members to come to. The family members that want to come to the beach are more than welcome, those that don't shouldn't feel obligated.

I've missed plenty of not so close family members weddings. I send a nice gift and move on with my life. They likely didn't miss me and I'm pretty sure I didn't miss them. I've always found weddings to be more like funerals, I just want to see immediate families and close friends. No point in everyone I've ever talked to once showing up.
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PostPosted: Jul 11, 2014 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think brew has the best idea.

Heck, I missed my brother's second wedding because he chose to have it in the Bahamas, and I was in a tough spot and flat broke. Our other brother, who is always broke, also didn't attend.

Oh, and my mother has not, and probably will never, forgive his wife for it.

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PostPosted: Jul 15, 2014 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it's something you weigh based on the status of your family/guests. My buddy married a girl from Mexico, which makes this question more interesting. Get married here, where some of her friends and family couldnt make it, or get married there where some of his friends and family couldnt make it? They based it off of where we would all have the most fun. Ended up with a beach wedding in Riviera Maya Mexico.
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Bethany
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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 9:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

We had a destination wedding in Mexico and invited around 120 guests, 75 attended.

We held a "Welcome Party" in place of a rehearsal dinner for all to attend. Served heavy appetizers and open bar at a local spot. It was really fun for our guests to get to know each other and everyone had a great time.

We tried to keep our activities to a minimum because if people are spending their vacation time and money to come to our wedding, I felt it was important to give them some downtime to relax.
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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 10:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I honestly don't understand destination weddings.

Why would you throw a wedding someplace where some of the people you love either can't go or will go, but suffer a financial burden?

Why don't you just get married where it's easy for everyone, and then just honeymoon at your destination? Or get married at your destination with a few friends, then have a reception back home?

eh, people of course do whatever pleases them, I'm just saying I don't understand it.

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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 10:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Neognosis wrote:
I honestly don't understand destination weddings.

Why would you throw a wedding someplace where some of the people you love either can't go or will go, but suffer a financial burden?

Why don't you just get married where it's easy for everyone, and then just honeymoon at your destination? Or get married at your destination with a few friends, then have a reception back home?

eh, people of course do whatever pleases them, I'm just saying I don't understand it.


It is easy. Destination wedding = 5k. Average cost of wedding =23k. Pictures = way better at destination wedding, Planning = WAY easier. This is the route we went and when we came back threw a small party for people who could not make it.

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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 11:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa hold on... your wedding was only $5K? We just did the budget and we will definitely be closer to the $23k mark. Crying or Very sad I really want to just elope at this point.
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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 11:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah... I didn't realize that it was cheaper for the couple.

heh.. I got married in May for 1000 dollars.

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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 12:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It is easy. Destination wedding = 5k. Average cost of wedding =23k. Pictures = way better at destination wedding, Planning = WAY easier. This is the route we went and when we came back threw a small party for people who could not make it.


While I agree with the photos and planning, the cost is not always true. We likely saved a little bit of cash due shaving down to a smaller guest list for a more intimate wedding. Having a local wedding at home (So Cal) we felt obligated to invite everyone we've ever known. That said, we still spent a pretty penny. Weddings are expensive anyway you look at it. We chose a place that is special to us as a couple and our family and we got to celebrate and vacation with all of our best and closest family and friends. THAT will never happen again.

Oh and this... can't get and outdoor chapel overlooking the Sea of Cortez in very many places...




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Neognosis
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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the photo thing is subjective too
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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 12:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My wife and I had family in Washington, Connecticut, Nevada and Florida, no location was convenient.

We gave everyone a year heads up so they could make it work if they wanted to come. It cost us about $5k all in (including clothes, rings, everything). It eliminated the obligation invites/attendees and we had a great time with close friends and family.

The other benefit was limited coordination. We didn't have to plan anything for anyone, everyone could operate on their own schedule, eat when they wanted to, and we didn't have to make any suggestions for anyone.

Having seen the Charlie Foxtrot that my wife's brother and spouse went though, and cost incurred, it just worked out so much better for us.

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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 1:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think including rings, dress and everything else we were around $2K. There are definitely ways around spending a lot of money. We had no regrets and everything went exactly how we wanted.
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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would elope someday, but my family would kill me. Wedding etiquette differs, depending on where you live, your family, etc.

Just don't forget that it is YOUR day too. Yes, she needs to be happy, but you should have a say and contribute as well.
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PostPosted: Jul 21, 2014 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Our wedding was right around $3k or so for everything excluding her ring. Get married, eat some cake, get out of town. That was pretty much how our wedding went. 15 years later I'm still glad we didn't go big.
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PostPosted: Jul 22, 2014 5:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Faust wrote:
Whoa hold on... your wedding was only $5K? We just did the budget and we will definitely be closer to the $23k mark. Crying or Very sad I really want to just elope at this point.


Yes however it was almost 10 years ago. It was just a package deal at a Sandals resort. Flight, week in Jamaica, at that point the wedding is just a hundred and took 1.5 hrs to plan. The roll through about 6 a day there so they just leave the wedding stuff up Laughing

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PostPosted: Jul 22, 2014 5:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So no receptions? With ~75 guests, $100/guest (includes 4 hours use of the building on the gulf, cocktail hour, meals, open bar, taxes, gratuity, etc). Comes to ~$7500 for reception alone. Then DJ, photographer, ceremony, flowers, clothes, etc. This shlt adds up quick. But if we ask all these people to fly down and pay $500 per person in travel expenses, we have to throw some kind of party.

And I thought we were going fairly cheap. My cousin is having a wedding in a couple months in downtown Chicago, 200 guests, $200/head. They are at $40k for the reception alone. Not including a 100 guest rehearsal dinner, cathedral ceremony, orchestra, the whole shebang Shocked
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PostPosted: Jul 22, 2014 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My first wedding 15 years ago cost nearly 20K.


200 guests, open bar.

And we went what would have been considered "cheap" in our circle at the time.

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ontrider
Ladies Man
Ladies Man


Joined: 30 Jul 2003
Posts: 16491
City: Russia

PostPosted: Jul 22, 2014 11:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
So no receptions?

We didn't do a formal reception at a hall but had a good size house, backyard w/beach. Lots of food buffet style, which was cooked by us or pre-prepped and heated up onsite, big ice buckets and coolers with more drinks than were needed. Photographer was cheap and flowers...we actually dug our own gardens out months before, haha. Here are the chairs being setup where we did it. For a discount wedding I'd say it turned out not bad!




wedding-pic-2.jpg

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Neognosis
Ladies Man
Ladies Man


Joined: 13 Jan 2003
Posts: 17617
City: Webster

PostPosted: Jul 22, 2014 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would have thought that was a very nice occasion.

quick... besides your own, best wedding you have ever been to?

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