Pocket taser

[intotheflats]

I thought this was pretty funny, give it a read.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my int erest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the20mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I
pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell
was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

[joebananas]

LOL.

I thought he was going to tase the cat. Great story.

[edrex]

My friend had a bbq for his birthday the other day and they were playing with his taser. He stood side by side with a topless girl and they put one contact on each of thier nipple rings and gave it a buzz. He said it hurt a little, but not that badly.

[churchy]

That story is OOOOOLLLLLDDDDD

[pyrocasto]

edrex, it doesnt hurt all that much. A stun gun(one that doesnt shoot out) is usually pretty sorry, but great for fun with the friends.

[edrex]

Thats why I don't understand the overexaggerated stories like the one above. It seems more that the guy is practicing his creative writing skills then telling a truthful account of his experience.

[Rocko]

edrex, it's than not then. just saying.

[edrex]

Rocko, no, then is right. He first practices his creative writing skills and then he sits down and tells a truthful account of his experience. You didn't catch that?

[stuhert]

Without a separation of the contact points, ie prongs that fire out and spread, Neuro-Muscular interuption does not occurr. When a Taser is utilized in push stun mode with contact points an inch or two apart, all it does is cause pain. When you end up with one contact in your shoulder, and a second in your thich, and the voltage arcs through your body between the two, that's when the funky chicken happens.

[Ohioboarder]

I saw a guy put a dog training collar on at a party one night and every time he tried to take it off he got the stuff shocked outta him.

Dave