New Joke Thread

[Budman]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the Lobby
> > to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
> > came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy
> > smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
> >
> > As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
> > nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
> > contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
> > "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
> >
> > He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
> > against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
> > purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and
> > embarrassed, he finally squeaked,"It's got to be your ears!" Astounded,
> > and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are
> > full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid!
> > Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best
> > part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered,
> > "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[impulse]

heh good one.

Whats the difference between a pink head and a purple head?




Her grip.

[matt 4]

40 Things Never Said By Southerners


40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

[James K.]

how did the blond brake her arm raking leaves.

she fell out of the tree.

why does a blond like an adjustable steering wheel in a car.

more head room.

there is a man who is going to rob a bank
he has a mask and a gun.
so he goes to the bank and puts the gun
to the secritarys head and say open the
vault and she says but sir this is a sperm bank
and he says i know.
so she opens the vault and the man tells her to drink the sperm.
so she does this. the man rips is mask off and says.

see honey i told you it does not taste that bad.

how do you make a hormone, don't pay her.

[ohsix]

[SupraBoarder]

WES, thats a horrible thing to say... you might hit a bump and spill

[Grouch]

Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."

"You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"

[Grouch]

A man walked into a bar and ordered up ten shots of whiskey, then sat there and drank them one after another.
The bartender commented, "When a man drinks like that, he must have something on his mind."

The man replied, "Yep, I just found out that my oldest son was gay!"

A couple days later, the man returned to the bar and ordered up twenty shots of whiskey.

"What's the matter now?" asked the bartender.

"I just found out that my other son is also gay!"

A week later, the man again returned to the bar and ordered up thirty shots of whiskey.

The bartender remarked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like Taco Bell Chalupa?"

The man replied, "Yes, my wife!"

[Grouch]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an door knob.

[Grouch]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an a__hole.

[RichD]

Did you hear about the woman at the Tickle Me Elmo assebly line. She was sewing two marbles between each Elmo's legs. It was her first day on the job and one of the other employees went to get the boss to inform of this. When the boss seen what she was doing he busted out laughing.
He told the inquiring employee that she misunderstood him when he told her that her job was to give Elmo, " Two Test Tickles"

[RichD]

An older aged gentleman walks into a drug store and ask to purchase some condomns. The clerk ask what size he needs. Unsure the costumer shrugs is shoulders. The clerk sends him to the isle nine to be checked for size by a female employee named Linda. She reaches down the front of his pants and yells out "MEDIUM". The costumer goes back to front and makes his purchase. A middle aged man then walks in with the same request. Not knowing the size he needs he is sent to see Linda in isle nine. She reaches down, checks out the guy and yells "LARGE". The costumer struts back to the front and makes his purchase.
Finally a teenager comes strutting in and makes the same request. Not knowing his size he is also sent to see in Linda isle nine. She reaches down and after a second yells out "CLEAN UP IN ISLE NINE".